inside a dangerous mind, won't you come inside?

RAHHHHHH venting about men.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME WHEN IT COMES TO THE OPPOSITE SEX?

This has many secret motivations as to why I’m writing this, but some shit has come up and frankly I’m going to lose it. I complain and bitch and moan about not being able to find a guy. But the ones that want me I have no interest in. Maybe because I don’t find them attractive? Maybe I lose interest? Maybe I want someone else? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that I’m currently poking holes in my wall with thumbtacks over and over and over and over because I know better than to go doing something really stupid over a man. I know better. Right? Then why can’t I just take what I’m getting and be happy? I’m on a dating site for Christ’s sake because I can’t find men. I’ve been on it for quite some time, and talked to a few people and met up with Dylan on it. And I got scared. He was actually really cool, but I think I wanted someone else, or I simply wasn’t used to having something I wanted be right in front of me. We stopped talking. Now I’m talking to a few guys through this site, and I just can’t bring myself to like any of them. I think I’m pickier than I thought, when I should be the most desperate girl on this entire planet. 

There was Scott (name has been changed), who I didn’t even realize liked me until like yesterday. In the beginning of my sophomore year of college, he lived on my floor but we weren’t the best of friends. Thought nothing of it, after awhile he got a girlfriend. But Facebook has this feature where you can view old status updates, and he used to write all these little things on it. Like I wrote one status saying “I’m the girl that’s gone bad,” relating to some song. He liked it, and commented saying he liked it. Another status said my roommate was gone and I was lonely. He replies saying “I’ll be right there.” Umm, last time I checked most guys didn’t do that. Now we see each other and hardly acknowledge one another, which sucks because he was pretty cool. Once again, I lose and he’s desperately in love with his girlfriend. 

Nathan (name also was changed) was mentioned in the broken heart post. I didn’t realize he liked me. I mean, I kiss people because it’s fucking fun. I like to kiss people. But it never occurred to me someone could want to kiss me because I was their type and they liked me. Now he has a girlfriend, closer to his type, but I know I could be a better choice. Now I just gotta pretend everything’s okay even more, especially now that we don’t say hi or talk anymore…

day 2 of a broken heart.

so life doesn’t go on. you live, you die. why would we get to live again, even though many of us want nothing more? because we never get what we want. every single time we think we’re satisfied or content, something else comes along we desire with all our hearts. whether we realize it or not, admit it or not. 

but on to day 2. it sucks just as much, but you realize that it’s serious now. there’s no slice of hope or happiness. the rain perfectly suits my mood today, not even the sun deserves a chance to make me feel better. now some people have ways to deal with sadness, but the only device that has a shot of helping is time. now a lot of people who know me well remind me how many guys i always have a crush on at once (which is true). but this one is different-i could feel it when we kissed. there was something there that made me realize this crush was different. but of course things never happened and that was that. and it’s not fair to a guy to be secretly comparing him to this guy, or wishing that any other guy i was with was him touching me, looking at me, whatever. it’s something i wouldn’t want, so i’m gonna try to be fair and wait until i’m ready for someone else. granted, that probably won’t happen. this guy isn’t going to fade out of mind-in fact, he’s more present than ever. it makes me want to cry, because now the one person i need to advance past is a fixture inside my mind. it sucks. screw the world, the only reason we’re here is to reproduce and occasionally have some fun. love just came along after, and it’s caused more pain and hurt than happiness. just remember that. you know it’s true.